The Linux

by Dr. Seuss


At the far end of Redmond
where the Grickle-grass grows
and the wind smells slow-and-sour when it blows
and no birds ever sing excepting old crows...
is the Street of the Lifted Linux


And deep in the Grickle-grass, some people say,
if you look deep enough you can still see, today,
where the Linux once stood
just as long as it could
before somebody lifted the Linux away.


What was the Linux?
And why was it there?
And why was it lifted and taken somewhere
from the far end of town where the Grickle-grass grows?
The old Gates-ler still lives here.
Ask him. He knows.


You won't see the Gates-ler.
Don't knock at his door.
He stays in his Lerkim on top of his store.
He lurks in his Lerkim, cold under the roof,
where he makes his own software
out of vapourware poof.
And on special dank midnights in August,
he peeks
out of the shutters
and sometimes he speaks
and tells how the Linux was lifted away.


He'll tell you, perhaps...
if you're willing to pay.


On the end of a rope
he lets down a tin pail
and you have to toss in fifteen cents
and a nail
and the shell of the great-great-great-
grandfather snail.


Then he pulls up the pail,
makes a most careful count
to see if you've paid him
the proper amount.


The he hides what you paid him
away in a musty compartment,
to keep it away
from the Justice Department.


Then he grunts, "I will call you by Whisper-ma-Phone,
for the secrets I tell are for your ears alone."


SLUPP!
Down slupps the Whisper-ma-Phone to your ear
and the old Gates-ler's whispers are not very clear,
since they have to come down
throught a snergelly hose,
and he sounds
as if he had
smallish bees up his nose.


"Now I'll tell you," he says, with charisma of grey,
"how the Linux got lifted and taken away...


It all started way back...
such a long, long time back...


Way back in the days when flying toasters were cool
and a floppy could hold
your entire system install,
and the Mir satellite was still up in space...
one morning, I came to this glorious place.
And I first saw the PCs!
The custom PCs!
The bright-coloured cases of the custom pCs!
mile after mile all lined up in THREEs.


And, sitting at keyboards, I saw the consumers
Growing in numbers with revenue rumours
The chances of riches all ripe like satsumas.


From the silicon valley
came the comfortable sound
of the dot com brigade
there was money around.


But those PCs! Those PCs!
Those custom PCs!
All my life I'd been searching
for PCs such as these.
The glow of their screens
was much brighter than flames.
And Lara brought 3d to all the new games.


I felt a great leaping
of joy in my heart.
I knew just what I'd do!
I unloaded my cart.


In no time at all, I had downed a machine.
Wiped off the old system, leaving it clean.
And with great speedy speed and with marketing jive.
I clicked on the mouse and installed 95!


The instant I'd finished, I heard a rustling thrash!
I looked.
I saw something pop out of the trash
of the PC I'd installed on. He was sort of a sanguine.
Describe him?...That's hard. He looked like a penguin.


He was shortish. and stylish.
not pixelly or lossy.
And he spoke with a voice
that was sharpish and bossy.


"Mister!" he said with a mouth full of soothers,
"I am the Linux. I speak for the users.
I speak for the users, for the awake and the snoozers.
And I'm asking you, sir, at the top of my lungs"--
he was very upset as he shouted and wheezed--
"Whats that THING that you've put on that there PC?"


"Look, Linux," I said. "There's no cause for alarm.
I installed just one system. I am doing no harm.
I'm being quite useful. This thing is Win-dows.
There's no need for choice as it already knows!
It's a system. there's a helper. choose the dog or the cat.
But it has other uses. Yes, far beyond that.
For surfing. For typing! undoing deletes!
Or adding up things in your excel spreadsheets!"


The Linux said,
"Sir! You are crazy with greed.
There is no one on earth
who, this system would need!"


But the very next minute I proved he was wrong.
For, just at that minute, a chap came along,
and he thought that the system I'd installed was great.
He happily bought it for three ninety-eight.


I laughed at the Linux, "You poor stupid guy!
You never can tell what some people will buy."


"I repeat," cried the Linux,
"I speak for the users!"


"I'm busy," I told him.
"Shut up, all you losers."


I rushed 'cross the room, and in no time at all,
had run through the MSN messenger install.
I texted all my brothers and uncles and aunts
and I said, "Listen here! Here's a wonderful chance
for the whole Gates-ler Family to get mighty rich!
Get over here fast! Take the road to North Nitch.
Turn left at Weehawken. Sharp right at South Stitch."



And, in no time at all,
in the campus I built,
the whole Gates-ler Family
was working full tilt.
We were all writing software
just as busy as bees,
to the sound of the whirring
of those lovely PCs.


Then...
Oh! Baby! Oh!
How my business did grow!
Now, installing one system
at a time
was too slow.


So I quickly invented my bloated downloader
(Though a few dual boot systems just fizzled like soda).
We were making PCs
four times as slow as before!
And that Linux?...
He didn't show up any more.


But the next week
he knocked
on my new office door.


He snapped, "I'm the Linux who speaks for the users
which you seem to be loading with software abuses.
But I'm also a friend of the hip young designers
who drank lots of coffee all sat in recliners
and worked on their iBooks while out at the diners.


"NOW...thanks to your hacking they've nothing to do,
you've placed this great 'Office' right into their view.
its blocking their vision, they can't see the scene
no room for manoeuvre with Word on machine!


"They loved living here. But I can't let them stay.
They'll have to find flare. And I hope that they may.
Good luck, boys," he cried. And he sent them away.


I, the Gates-ler, felt sad
as I watched them all go.
BUT...
business is business!
And business must grow
regardless of designers in recliners, you know.


I meant no harm. I most truly did not.
But I had to grow bigger. So bigger I got.
I biggered my output, and with a few hacks.
I biggered my downloads - huge great service packs
on the PCs that shipped out, I had a great channel deal
they'd all install windows or my wrath's what they'd feel
I went right on biggering...selling more CDs.
And I biggered my money, which does always please.


Then again he came back! .NET had me slogging
when that old-nuisance Linux came in and called me a noggin.


"I am the Linux," his laptop unfolded.
He yapped and he whined. He snarggled. He scolded.
"Gates-ler!" he cried, now sounding defiant.
You're making most websites just IE compliant!
My poor PC users...the ones who like Netscape!
For them, webpage loading is becoming a sweepstake.


"And so," said the Linux,
"--please pardon my homepage--
they caannot surf here.
With your monopolised outrage.


"Where will they want to go to today?...
I don't hopefully know, if they don't want to pay.


They may have to surf for a month...or a year...
To escape from the honey-pot trap around here.


"What's more," snapped the Linux. (His arms in the air.)
"Let me say a few words on useless bloatware.
Your machinery chugs on, updating, installing.
the disk space it leaves is downright apalling.
And how do you use this leftover space?...
I'll show you. a paperclip? Oh What a waste!


"You're stressing the workers, they're PCs are crash scenes!
They're systems have hung, all frozen on splash screens.
So I'm sending them off. Oh, their future is dreary.
They'll leave their dot coms and get woefully weary
in search of some software, innovative, not stale.
I hear all the clicks as they log out of hotmail."


And then I got mad.
I got terribly mad.
I yelled at the Linux, "Now listen here, Tux!
All you do is yap on about users, that's sucks!
I'll soon have them all on .NET and XP
I intend to go on basing things around me
And, for your information, oh Linux, I'm figgering

on biggering

and BIGGERING

and BIGGERING

and BIGGERING,

turning MORE PCs to running on windows
Our support page will be where EVERYONE, EVERYONE goes!"





And at that very moment, we heard a deep breath!
From outside, a user, with blue screen of death
then a hand on a plug. Then we heard the plug pull.
The very last windows PC of them all!


No more PCs. No more leads. No installs to be done.
So, in no time, my uncles and aunts, every one,
all waved me good-bye. they jumped into my cars
and drove away from the shimmering screensaver stars.


Now all that was left 'neath the dark Redmond sky
was my big empty factory
the Linux...
and I.


The Linux said nothing. Just gave me a glance...
just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance...
as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants.
And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
when he heisted himself and took leave of this place,
through a hole in the security, without leaving a trace.


And all that the Linux left here in my hall
was a small pile of disks, with the one word...
"UNINSTALL."
Whatever that meant, well, I couldn't fathom at all.


That was long, long ago.
But each day since that day
I've sat here and worried
and worried away.
Through the years, while my buildings
have fallen apart,
I've worried about it
with all of my heart.


"But now," says the Gates-ler,
"Now that you're here,
the word of the Linux seems perfectly clear.
UNLESS you UNINSTALL
Windows, the whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better.
It's not.


"SO...
Catch!" calls the Gates-ler.
He lets something fall.
"It's a Linux CD.
It's the last one of all!
You're in charge of the last of the custom PCs.
And custom PCs are what everyone needs.
Install a new system. Treat it with care.
A nice funny mousemat and shiny hardware.
Grow a small network, use Unix! use Mac!
Then the Linux
and all of his friends
may come back."


(Thanks Sadie!)

Favor for mankind

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates.
Only one problem: there are only two bullets.
Who does he shoot?

Bill, twice.




Top ten reasons that Bill Gates would run for president...

1) He wants to buy an old Cesna, paintit flashy colors, and call it Air Force '95.
2) He heard that some government agencies were using LINUX.
3) He wants to get that illegal sports car in SF Bay into the US.
4) He just thinks it would be neat to be president of two big thingies.
5) He's hot for Janet Reno.
6) His ego needs to be inflated.
7) He lost the key to his mansion, so he needs a new place to live.
8) He thinks that he can use MS Money to balance the budget.
9) He feels that Perot just didn't throw enough money at it.
10) He wants to make Windows '98 the official operating system of the USA.



Sometimes I wonder.... Removed the rest because this is a public forum, where everybody should be able to read, without any problem. THANKS



Dead Windows Programmer

Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?

He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted
to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, bikini clad girls, volleyball, and rock & roll, where everyone was having a wild time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park
playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot guano, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the babes? the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo version!" she replied as she vanished.



The MS Staff

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 180 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."



Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1) They replicate quickly -- Okay, Windows does that.
2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- Okay, Windows does that.
3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- Okay, Windows does that, too
4) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems -- Sigh... Windows does that, too
5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware -- Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus!



Note about Winblows '95

Windows '95 supports Plug 'n' Pray peripherals!!!



What's the difference between Bill Gates and Robert Tappen Morris, Jr. (the Internet Worm Hacker)?

Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the
computers that Bill Gates made $100 billion crashing.



Did you know?

That Bill Gates is the world's only living heart doner?

That Bill Gates has never been potty trained?

That Bill Gates is not human (big surprise)?

That he is actually a creation of George Lucas? And that George decided not to use him because he didn't want to scare small children.



MS Lightbulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer1: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Answer2: None. They wait one week and then they make darkness as a standard.
Answer3: None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.



Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."



Bill.... HUmmmmmm ITS GONE, SORRY (THIS IS PUBLIC)



God Speaks to Bill

God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates. He told them, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days."

Bill Clinton woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."

Bill Gates woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to deal with any more Windows '95/98/NT complaints."



MS-Employee

A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St. Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St. Peter. "Ah", St. Peter says, "You're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright." Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."

St. Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Linux..." Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."

St. Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates... " (ironic?)



The world's smartest man

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude, there's still two left. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."



TOP TEN INTERNET EXPLORER BUGS

Poor Microsoft. If it's not one bug in Internet Explorer, it's another. What's worse, there's a whole list of bugs about to be revealed...ten to be precise:

10. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see!
9. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale.
8. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows.
7. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
6. Browsing www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug.
5. Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse.
4. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake.
3. RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com--mistakes "ActiveX" for "sex."
2. Search for "Microsoft ethics" points you to www.mafia.org/ .
1. It doesn't make Bill any money.



Car problems

3 people had carpool: a mechanical engineer, a electrical engineer and a Microsoft programmer. But the car suddenly broke down.
Mechanical engineer said: "Hey! It has to be the fuel injection. Lemme fix it."
The electrical engineer didn't agree: "It's magneto probably. I'll fix it."
Microsoft programmer shoke his head and said: "Hey guys, I have a simpler idea: Let's just close all the windows, get out of the car, then get back into it, and it should run!"



Old lady

An obviously clueless lady called into a talk radio show about computing and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 98?"
The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 98 without a computer than with one."

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t piss on our hands.
Courtesy of Syid Arif

"That was the demo version!" HaaHaaaHaaa

therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away Great One Bro..

Is Windows a virus?

Windows '95 supports Plug 'n' Pray peripherals!!! Read it closer.. Otherwize u won't get it. NICE>>>



HAY No use of quoting EVERYONE is great. Read it all...


THANKS 4 sharing brother

This is about Code Greed Video Gallery. Check the Histroy-Past section of Windows category

You'll find some more funny things over there..